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Advice to Men

In Memory of Allen Wells

This set of web pages for Allen Wells has been recreated from web pages archived at http://web.archive.org

Key Page for Allen Wells

Re: ABUSE (was Re: Wives abusing hubands? (was Re: Divorce Post-Mortem))

From ads.com!decwrl!uunet!microsoft!allenwe Fri Feb 22 17:16:32 PST 1991
Article 26172 of soc.men:
Path: ads.com!decwrl!uunet!microsoft!allenwe
>From: allenwe@microsoft.UUCP (Allen WELLS)
Newsgroups: soc.men
Subject: Re: ABUSE (was Re: Wives abusing hubands? (was Re: Divorce Post-Mortem))
Message-ID: <70733@microsoft.UUCP>
Date: 18 Feb 91 04:49:22 GMT
References: <1991Feb14.144304.13718@tc.fluke.COM> <JOSEPH.91Feb12152918@abruzzi.albany.edu> <2226@sun13.scri.fsu.edu> <JOSEPH.91Feb13131846@odin.albany.edu> <5366@awdprime.UUCP> <160@tymix.Tymnet.COM>
Reply-To: allenwe@microsoft.UUCP (Allen WELLS)
Distribution: usa
Organization: Microsoft Corp., Redmond WA
Lines: 30

In article <5366@awdprime.UUCP> ken@batman.austin.ibm.com (Ken Goach/1000000) writes:
>I am trying to understand this. Are there cycles that cause this?
>Personality types? Someone enlighten me!

There are two things that I've identified as factors in my allowing
myself to be abused.

The first is low self-esteem. I hadn't been on a date since I had
left college (years). I was beginning to think that the reason was
because I was being too choosy - and I had better start re-evaluating
my standards unless I wanted to end up childless and alone. Bad
move. I didn't realize at the time that there are things much worse
than being alone.

The second is a syndrome called being a 'caretaker'. It's a type of
'co-dependency'. A caretaker is someone who assumes the problems of
others to the point of being personally responsible for them. In my
case, I kept seeing through the evil to the good core underneath,
naively thinking that enough love, compassion, understanding, and
building of self-image could bring that good core out. In reality,
I would have been much better served by seeing through the veneer of
good to the morass of evil underneath ... :(

Of course, neither of these was enough to KEEP me in an abusive
relationship - but she was able to build pretty elaborate traps by
the time I finally woke up.
---------- "Never seal dead flies in a closed container. Doing so
Alien | may result in hazardous explosion."
---------- - documentation for the 'Fly Sniper'

Next article by Allen Wells: Re: "Biased towards men" (Was Re: Divorce Post-Mortem (long))

Posted 2006 09 04